12 Reasons Parents Are Worried About Their 20-Something Kids

I get a lot of questions about what is or isn’t “normal” at all different stages of development, especially teens and twenty-somethings. But what about when “normal” is changing? For twenty-somethings, we have gradually adopted a new set of norms.

The new twenties have got a lot of folks over 40 scratching our heads. Most often, the questions I hear come from parents. They ask if their kids have something I can prescribe medication or psychotherapy to cure.

But the new normal for the 20’s can be understood if we just step back and consider what changed to get us here.

12 Reasons 20-Something-Year-Olds Are Different Now Than in the Past

1.     They've never been unsupervised.

2.     We raise them with a different set of parenting goals- primarily to keep them safe.

3.     We educate them with a different set of goals- primarily to get into Harvard, or the closest thing they can get to it.

4.     Society doesn't think that they're adults.

5.     We (parents) don't think they're adults either.

6.     They don't know how to do anything. We don’t teach basic life skills like we once did. Most twenty-somethings don’t know how to cook a meal or sew on a button.

7.     They lack confidence. See item 6 above.

8.     They worry constantly- about the environment, about their futures, about satisfying careers, about whether they feel passion for their work, about marriage and family, about retirement, and even about worrying so much.

9.     Nobody told them adulthood would be so hard.

10. We still do things for them that our parents would not have done for us at that age.

11. We send mixed messages. Sometimes we say, “You’re an adult.” But that’s often followed with, “Let me do that for you.”

12. We adults are always around to save the day.

 

Posted on July 24, 2017 by Melissa Deuter.

8 Things Teens Need to Learn by 16/Driving Age

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I've been on vacation for a week, and during that time last week's blog post "8 Things Kids Need to Master By Age 13" was circulating. I have a 13 year old son, and I was watching him and thinking about how well he has managed the 8 points on the list.

8 Things Kids Need to Master By 13

1. Choose kindness over popularity.

2. Recognize the harm from gossiping.

3. Name your feelings.

4. Stand up for what is right.

5. Walk away from trouble.

6. Take responsibility for your mistakes.

7. Become skillful at trying hard.

8. Know when to ask for help.

He's done pretty well, although there were a few reinforcements of these points during the week- "When you get corrected for doing something wrong, receive it, and accept it. Don't get defensive."

I also have a son who is pushing toward 16. He'll be driving unsupervised soon. Watching my boys and their 14 year old friend awkwardly navigate a street dance in a strange small town, I started to think about the giant leap in skills that happens from middle school to high school. What are the skills we want our 16 years olds to have mastered?

8 Things I Want My Kids to Master by Age 16

1. Put down your damn phone and look up! It's amazing what kids can miss while they stare down at a screen. Whether it's beautiful scenery, or an opportunity to engage in human connection, teens need to be reminded to look up.

2. Learn what is (and is not) "camper appropriate." My older son spent a week as a camp counselor in training. Back with the family, he asked if he could plug in his phone to play music in the car, but then paused and said "I don't know if all my music is camper appropriate." With 2 younger siblings and parents who might not want hear some of his lyrics, this was a good question to ask himself and a translatable skill: know what's appropriate for your context.

3. Just get out on the floor and dance. I watched those 3 teen boys, itching to get out on the dance floor at a small town street dance, struggle to overcome their insecurities. They eventually tackled it (see item 4), but not because of any prodding from parents. Older teens need to learn to face fear and do things anyway.

4. It's not about you. When a 6 year old who looks up to you wants you to dance, you suck it up and dance. At that point, you stop worrying about yourself and think of others. In fact, older teens need to think of others often.

5. How to protect a friend when something bad is about to happen. "No, Dude! Don't jump from there, it's too high." Whether your friend is about to literally jump, or is naively walking into a bad situation, by the time kids are old enough to drive and socialize largely outside the supervision of adults, they need to learn to protect each other.

6. Don't be afraid to lead. Sometimes you're the one who needs to step forward and take charge. By 16, it's time to get comfortable taking charge when the time comes.

7. Some itches shouldn't be scratched at the table. Literally and metaphorically. Some moments are to be taken in private, kids.

8. Mom and Dad are always here to support you. Even as you reach the home stretch of childhood, you still have parents. We're here to guide you. You don't have to be fully grown up yet, but almost.

Posted on July 10, 2017 by Melissa Deuter.

8 Things Kids Need to Master By Age 13


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I recently shared an article on my Facebook page titled "8 Things Kids Need to Do For Themselves Before Age 13."  It was a nice list of functional life skills, and I agreed with the idea that our kids need to learn how to do laundry and pack a lunch. But as I read the list, I thought some things were missing, for sure. Here's the original list:

1. Waking them up in the morning

2. Making their breakfast and packing their lunch

3. Filling out their paperwork

4. Delivering their forgotten items

5.Making their failure to plan your emergency

6. Doing all of their laundry

7. Emailing and calling their teachers and coaches

8. Meddling in their academics

 

Missing from this list are vital emotional and interpersonal skills. With outstanding social skills, our kids can communicate their needs and get help with the functional tasks they don't know how to do. And being a grown up is about more that doing your own laundry; our kids need to clean up their own interpersonal messes, too. 

 

8 Things Kids Need to Master By 13

1.  Choose kindness over popularity. We teach young kids to share and choose their words carefully, but teens face new pressures. Peers encourage them to exclude someone, or post a cruel comment on social media. 

2.  Recognize the harm from gossiping.   Teens are social creatures, and it's natural for them to want to talk about their experiences. But we have to teach them that gossip hurts. 

3.  Name your feelings . Being able to name feeling prevents acting on them instead. Naming feelings is a vital skill for the teen years.

4.  Stand up for what is right. Our children need to become people of principle as they enter the teens years. Upstanding has been shown to protect kids from bullying. Standing up is important for both.

5.  Walk away from trouble. Trouble can take the form of underage drinking, skirting rules, or a wide range of other possibilities. We have to teach our kids what to say and when so they're prepared when they find themselves on the cusp of a friend's bad choice, or their own.

6.  Take responsibility for your mistakes. Nobody is right all the time. We have to teach our kids how to own their screw ups and make right their wrongs. 

7.   Become skillful at trying hard. Hard work is a skill. Kids naturally choose what's easy most of the time. By 13, they need to learn the rewards of hard work.

8.  Know when to ask for help. This may be the most important skill of all for a teen: know when you need help, and know how to ask. Teens love their independence, but they need help sometimes. 

Posted on July 3, 2017 by Melissa Deuter.