11 Reasons to Drop Everything and Go Have Fun With Your Kids

Spring break for a family comes as an oasis in the seemingly never-ending school year. But while kids are all too ready for a break from school, even when parents take time off from work for the week, we can find it hard to unplug from our responsibilities. With smartphones (those tiny computers in our pockets that make it possible to read emails from anywhere), we can work on days off. But should we?

Here are reasons we should all ignore those expense reports and dirty dishes, and put off the To Do list until next week:

1. Because laughter is good for our health
    From heart health to mental health, studies have long shown that having a good laugh is good for our health. And who better to make us laugh than our silly kiddos?

2. Because work can wait
    While it may feel like the office can’t afford a day without us, that’s probably untrue. The sense of urgency we feel is more about perception than reality.

3. Because we can stress again later (and probably will)
    Life is stressful enough without stressing on days off. There is plenty if opportunity to fret about work during workdays, and no value in stressing on days away from the office.

4. Because our kids will only be this age for a little while
    Kids grow through stages of development at alarming rates. We have to stop and enjoy them as often as possible, knowing that very soon we will be nostalgic for these “good old days.”

5. Because sharing time with the people we love feels good
    Family fun is a joy for kids and parents. Taking the time to go play with them give us a much needed dose of entertainment.

6. Because we’ve been missing all the fun
    Parents seem to work, work , work. Whether we’re going to an office, or shuttling kids to activities, the business of parenting is usually work. It’s our turn to get in on some of the fun during spring break.

7. Because kids need to know they are a priority
    While we are busy providing food, shelter, and clothing, we may be forgetting to show our kids what’s most important to us: them. Putting work on hold for the family sends an important message about our priorities

8. Because going to the same old places is b-o-r-i-n-g
    Adventuring out to new places breaks the monotony of regular life, for kids and parents!

9. Because we need to tune in and be present in the moment
    Kids and parents alike benefit from mindful parental presence. They need us to stop daydreaming (and checking our devices) and be in the moment. They’ll feel more connected, and so will we.

10. Because our kids need to see us take care of ourselves
    Watching us is teaching our kids how to live like an adult. We need to make sure they see us relax and include a little self-care in the mix.

11. Because after a vacation, work efficiency improves
    Work efficiency drops as fatigue sets in. So take a break, enjoy the kids, and return to work rested and ready to get more done. 

Good Grief, Stop Shaming People! (and Dogs)

Public shaming has been in the spotlight recently via social media; parents making their children (and pets) hold up “shaming signs” for photos and then posting those on Facebook and Instagram for friends and family to view. While the pets may be equipped to move on without any harm done, humans store painful memories internally.

A father of a ten-year-old boy told me today, “I want to shame him. I want him to be sorry for what he did. I want him to learn not to make the mistake again.” 

This father may want his son to be remorseful, but he probably does not want him to be truly ashamed. Shame, the feeling of “I am bad,” is not the same thing as regret, “I made a mistake.”

A woman referencing something she had heard discussed by a group of friends said, “I’m going to start shaming people who put their stinky feet on my seat on airplanes. Then they will learn.” 

But they won’t learn. Not from shaming. If you shame the guy with the stinky feet, you’ll hurt him, but you probably won’t teach him a lesson. He will feel wounded and maybe he will lash out at you. Or perhaps he will chug down a couple of alcoholic drinks on the plane to get rid of the “I am bad” feeling. Or maybe he will buy himself a bag of cookies and binge on those during his stopover. But he won’t be likely to learn.

Remorse teaches regret. If you want others to feel regret, embarrassment and public attacks are not the way. Shame leads to self-loathing; and self-loathing can contribute to addiction, depression, eating disorders and a host of other harmful stuff. Shame is not a good teacher. Not for our children, not for other adults, not for anyone. 

If you hope to correct and unwanted behavior, try these things instead:

Give feedback.
    Feedback is saying, “This is how you your behavior affects others.” Telling someone how their actions affect others is a good way to begin a conversation about changing unwanted behavior.

Confront.
    Confrontation means telling someone what you really think. “Hey, please don’t put your feet on my chair. I think you’re being very rude.”

Ask for change.
    If someone you know is repeatedly rude or insensitive, tell the person how s/he affects you, and then ask them to change. Saying which behavior you would like to see instead increases the likelihood you’ll see a change.

Be straightforward. Don’t hint.
    Saying what you really mean, in a direct way, can help change behavior. Telling a stranger who cut in line, “Ma’am, the line starts back there. We have been waiting here,” is more likely to get the person to the back of the line than muttering under your breath, “Look at that! Can you believe her nerve?” Most people who are engaging in unwanted behavior are less aware than you may assume. Come right out with it, explain your concerns clearly.

Have the conversation privately.
    Above all, give your feedback and request change in a respectfully private manner. Publicly embarrassing someone for wrongdoing is not necessary, or helpful. Handle the situation the way you would like it handled if the offensive behavior was coming, unknowingly, from you.

Do We Really Listen to Our Kids?

How many times each week do our kids try talk to us and we aren’t truly listening? Whether your toddler is calling to you across the dinner table, or your teen is hinting he needs advice about dating, are you tuned-out or tuned-in? We all forget to tune in. Maybe we’re busy on Facebook, or maybe we’re working on something with a deadline. Or perhaps we’re just daydreaming. Or we assume we know what’s being said, and form a conclusion without being certain.

Kids of all ages want to be heard by their parents. Little moments of check-in provide them connection and guidance. But we get busy. There’s never much time to stop and listen, even when we believe that listening to our kids is vital to the task of good parenting.

When she was not half way through third grade, my daughter struck up a conversation with me while I wasn’t really listening. The two of us were having lunch alone. She said she was having trouble with a new classmate, that the girl was being a bully. I half-heartedly offered advice, assuming I knew what was happening, “Just ignore her, Sweetie,” and I returned to my distractions. Little girls can be bossy. No big deal.

She (uncharacteristically) erupted in sobs and tears.

What followed was an important discussion I needed to hear. She said, “Kids break rules or act rude all the time. I can handle that. But this is different. She doesn’t act like other kids. This is confusing. This is too hard for me figure out.” And then she followed with, “Teachers don’t listen. They don’t help us. They just tell us to work it out. Grown-ups never listen to kids.” My daughter and her friends had tried to approach the teachers on their third grade team and ask for help, and each time they were brushed off in the same distracted way that I had done. So they went to their parents and got the brush off again.

I realized that if I failed to listen this time, that if I didn’t listen well to what felt overwhelming to her, she might not come to me next time. Third graders don’t face many things they can’t handle and it probably would have worked out okay, but what would she learn about the value coming to me? Was she likely to try again when she was thirteen, or twenty-one? And what would she assume about how I valued her? Did this conversation show her that her worries are important to me? 

Tips for Tuning-in:
•    Put down what you’re doing, even if only for a few minutes.
•    Make eye contact.
•    Be truly curious about what your child wants you to understand.
•    Let go of your previous expectations and your assumptions, and know that you don’t know.
•    Wonder what it’s like to feel what s/he is feeling.
•    Find him/her fascinating.
•    Say to yourself, “This conversation is important because…”
•    Let the interaction run its course before you go back to your previous activity.

Listening to our kids ensures they receive guidance when life throws them problems above their level to solve. Listening ensures that they know to whom they can reach out. Our listening assures them they have valuable things to say and that they are valuable to us. And aren’t those things we want them to know?

Save Your Child Years of Therapy By Doing This One Thing

Working with teens and young adults, I often spend time talking with their parents, too. Many parents express regret about what they didn’t know when the kids were younger. Parents wish they had seen forward to the potential consequences of decisions made years before. Last week I heard a mom say, “I could have saved my son years of therapy if I had learned to let a few things go.” 

Little issues or big ones, knowing when to let it go is the hardest, but most important lesson a parent must learn.

Let your expectations go.
    When you begin your journey as a parent, you may believe you know what’s in store. You’ve been around long enough to see how it works. Maybe you’re already the favorite auntie or uncle or stepparent. But each child, family, and relationship is different. 
How to let it go: Wipe the slate clean and rid yourself of any fantasies you may have regarding an ideal child, family life, or relationship. Who knows what it will be? You’ll have to take it one stage at a time, and see where the adventure takes you. Otherwise, you might spend your energy coping with frustration about what isn’t, rather than enjoying what is. 
Save your child at least a year of therapy focused on trying to understand why s/he wasn’t ever “good enough” to satisfy Mom or Dad. 

Let a routine go.
    Structured routines are important for children. Meal times, bedtimes, night-night stories and weekly activities. The rhythms of each day, month, week, and year are a comfort and a compass to growing kids. But sometimes the routines feel hectic and stressful. Sometimes getting to bed is more important than reading for twenty minutes. It’s important to let the routine go when the routine ceases to be a comfort, and instead becomes a stressor.
How to let it go: Use your routines as a rough guide rather than a rigid requirement. Follow the schedule 85-90% of the time. But on Saturday night, stay up a little later to watch a family movie. Or skip a sports practice to arrive early for the choir concert.
Save your child the pain of years of trying to achieve absolute perfection, and the therapy to correct it later.

Let control go.
    As parents, we are responsible for managing our kids when they are young, and teaching them to manage themselves later on. As a parent, you make the rules and see to it that the rules get followed. But sometimes you might be controlling too many things, too much of the time. Excessive control leaves kids frustrated and angry.
How to let it go: Start relinquishing control by offering kids choices. “Would you like carrots or broccoli with dinner?” Ask yourself which decisions are written in stone, and which ones can be flexible. Let your child make decisions on his or her own, increasing the number of decisions with age.
Save your child feelings of incompetence and ineffectiveness later on, and the therapy sessions aimed at addressing a lingering sense of inadequacy.

Let an argument go.
    We all like to be right. And as parents, we also like to be in charge. Unfortunately, the combination might leave you wanting to hammer a point into the ground until a child (especially a teenager) acquiesces. But heated arguments rooted in conflict rarely change minds. Sometimes it’s better to stop arguing rather than try to win.
How to let it go: When an argument is going nowhere, consider just agreeing to disagree. Say, “I know you believe a 2 am curfew is reasonable, but I disagree. Let’s end this discussion.” You don’t have to “give in.” You can just end the conversation when it’s clear you’re at an impasse. 
Save your child time in couple’s counseling, where s/he would end up working on skills for compromise and partnering.

Let go and let them handle their own mistakes.
    As kids grow up and exert free will, they will inevitably make mistakes. You will warn them, educate them about the risks, and explain the consequences for years. But eventually, kids become independent operators, and they will need to handle decisions and mistakes all on their own. Resist the temptation to step in when they make mistakes they’re ready to handle.
How to let it go: When you see your child facing the consequences of a mistake s/he has made, pause before jumping in. Ask yourself if you can trust him or her to take care of the situation. Give him/her enough space to try, and only help if you are asked.
Save your child feelings of helplessness and overwhelming dependency, and the therapy to aid in correcting it.