Moving Out Creates Anxiety for Introverts

Myra started her first “real” job six months ago and the adjustment has been tougher than she expected. She lived at home while she earned her bachelor’s degree. Adjusting to college had been enough without moving too. Now 90 minutes away from her parents, Myra is living on her own for the first time and tackling the start of her career. The move, the job, and the new city create a constant barrage of stimulation and leave Myra’s nervous system overloaded. Myra is an introvert.

The family never thought much about her temperament while Myra was growing up, but they are thinking about it constantly now. All the change has brought on a problem with anxiety, and Myra is coping by calling her parents for marathon support sessions lasting late into the night.

An introvert replenishes energy by spending time alone or in quiet settings. When given the option, her preference will usually be a lower stimulation environment.
As an introvert, Myra may prefer to form new relationships in small groups or one on one. She may want to work alone, uninterrupted. Meeting the need for quiet time has always been built in to Myra’s routine, but starting a new job, and a new life, is a relatively “noisy” course of events.

Being introverted is not the same thing as having anxiety, but anxiety can result when introverts lose their vital opportunities for emotional quiet. So leaving home can be a bumpy adjustment for emerging adults like Myra. The introverted person can temporarily appear to have a serious mental health problem when “fight or flight” reactions interfere with the ability to settle in to a new environment.

Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Cant Stop Talking, advises parents of introverts to accept children for who they are, ease them into new experiences patiently, avoid labels like “shy,” realize your child may be different than you even if you are an introvert, invest in shaping malleable kids, and be alert to their passions. As kids gear up to separate from the family, a foundation of love and acceptance in the family makes a stable launch pad. But it’s important for families to expect that leaving the nest may be uncomfortable for an introverted young adult, especially when the childhood home life has been ideal. Moving out means losing the solid, secure foundation of daily life in the family home.

If you’re an introverted teen or emerging adult, or if you’re the parent of one, prepare ahead for the move-out. Discuss the adjustment well in advance. Build in opportunities after the move for support from the family and quiet time alone. Consider frequent visits by family for the first few months. Think about the need for alone time when deciding where to live, or with whom, since a boisterous roommate in a cramped space may send introverts over the anxiety cliff. Remember, self-care is not selfish. We all need to listen to our bodies for signs of excessive stress and limit activities than drain our energies.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Wondering How to Prepare Your Teen for Adulthood?

Record numbers of young adults bounce back home. What do you need to do to be certain your teen is ready for the start of his or her adulthood?

Make it your goal from early on. Every lesson you teach as a parent is a building block for a skill your child will need living as an independent adult. Keeping your goal to prepare your child in mind will help you stay the course. When parents remember to teach skills, they are less likely to jump in and solve problems for kids who need to practice filling their own toolboxes with strategies and expertise.

Prepare in advance. It may seem like you have an abundance of time, but when you’re raising kids, time flies. No matter the age of your kids, read the list of skills kids must develop to thrive as adults. Ask yourself if you need to adjust your parenting and do so sooner rather than later.

Start with yourself. You may not know it, but when a child moves out, many parents feel emotionally devastated. Read books about how parents cope. Talk to friends and ask what strategies worked for them. Parents often begin counseling to help them adjust to kids leaving home.

Then move to your teen. Ask yourself and your teen what gaps might exist in his skill set for adulthood. Work on those skills.

Skills every teen should develop:
Emotional/Psychological Skills: These include the ability to identify emotions, self soothe, exhibit self-control of inner emotional states, wait patiently, solve problems, delay gratification, tolerate uncomfortable feelings, and maintain control of behavior. Teens with well developed emotional/psychological skills know how to walk away from a fight and how to exit an out of control social situation (such as a gathering friends using drugs). 

Friendship/Interpersonal Relationship Skills: Good social skills and manners go a long way. Teens should know how to carry on a conversation with a person of any age. They should be good judges of character. They should learn to speak up, stand up for a friend, keep a secret (and when to refuse to keep a secret), ignore bad behavior, and to confront someone who is out of line. Likewise they need to learn to really listen, admit fault and apologize, talk out a conflict with a friend (or roommate), say I love you, and hug. 

Romantic/Intimate Relationship Skills: Teen dating can help kids learn to distinguish between love and infatuation. They can learn to ask someone to dance, navigate romantic feelings, and eventually to break up with a boyfriend or girlfriend. They can also learn to cope with rejection, say no, and control the urge to advance physical relationships too quickly. 

Financial skills: Before leaving home, teens need practice budgeting, managing money, balancing a checkbook, saving for emergencies, maintaining bank accounts, and paying bills.

Academic/Work Skills: Learning how to be a productive student or employee begins with learning basic responsibility. When teens know how to be punctual, stay on task, and pay attention to details they are better equipped for school and career. Volunteering or working part time while living with parents can build these skills further. 

Domestic/Maintenance Skills: Basic cooking, auto maintenance- like learning when the car should be serviced and how to change a tire, laundry, cleaning skills for a dorm room or apartment, and handling small household emergencies like a clogged toilet are all skills necessary to build before teens move out.

Self-Care Skills: Your teen should be equipped to ask for help, say no, and be assertive. Most teens need to learn to be in a quiet place to re-group, talk or write about difficult problems, and to plug into a faith community for support. 

Medical Care Management Skills: Every adult needs to have healthcare knowledge to be capable of giving a medical history, filling a prescription at a pharmacy, or knowing how to self-diagnose simple illnesses, use a thermometer, and take over-the-counter medications. 

To develop new skills, your teen needs to learn through experience. Give your teen room to take on responsibilities and make mistakes while he still lives at home. Provide abundant opportunities for supervised practice. Your family is the best judge of when your teenager is ready. Base your support and expectations on your child's abilities, level of emotional security, and personal history.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Can Emerging Adulthood Be Mistaken For Mental Illness?

A panicked mom called begging for an urgent psychiatric evaluation for her nineteen-year-old daughter. Would this be a true mental health crisis or, like so many others, just a bumpy course through the stage of emerging adulthood? 

Bree had thrived during her teen years, but nearing the end of her first year out of the nest, she was flailing. Drinking, staying out all night, neglecting key responsibilities . . . none of these new behaviors were consistent with Bree’s prior behavior. She had been such a good girl when she lived at home. It was as if she had become a different person. Wasn’t that clear evidence of mental illness?

Not necessarily.

Bree might just be struggling to navigate emerging adulthood. Emerging adulthood is a relatively new term, coined by developmental psychologist Jeffrey Jensen Arnett, PhD in his work on the evolving social roles of young adults (generally ages 18-25, though the emerging adulthood stage is not limited to a specific age range). Adolescence is the stage of attaining physical and sexual maturity, usually completed by age eighteen. Emerging adulthood is the stage of attaining psychological and emotional maturity, the time when one gradually takes on adult roles and responsibilities.

The study of emerging adulthood began with social roles, but over the past decade there has been a surge in neuroscience research on brain maturity in young adulthood. As it turns out, young brains are different. Brains aren’t “adult” in terms of maturity until at least age twenty-five, around the same time when we see a natural acceptance of the responsibilities of full adulthood. 

Often, the most appropriate intervention for a family like Bree’s is education about the stage of emerging adulthood, instruction in firm limit setting for the parents, and a heavy dose of reassurance. But when troubling behaviors, like blatant disregard for rules and safety or—on the opposite of the scale—low motivation and avoidance, become cause for seeking mental health assessment, too many young adults are overdiagnosed and overtreated. Unfortunately, many emerging adults like Bree are inappropriately labeled with mental health disorders by clinicians who fail to grasp the nuances of the emerging adulthood stage.

In the midst of campaigns aimed at reducing the stigma of mental illness and expanding services, we have seen an explosion in the diagnosis of psychiatric disorders in younger populations. Independent adults can choose to seek mental health care based on their own subjective emotional experience, but parents are often the driving force behind mental health evaluation in dependent kids. All manner of behavior problems, stage of life adjustments, and family conflict can get caught up in the net of mental health diagnosis when parents bring kids in for evaluation of problem behavior.

So how can parents protect emerging adult children from inappropriate labels and treatments? Step one is education. Parents who understand that neurological and psychological development are ongoing until age twenty-five are less likely to panic when a nineteen-year-old veers off course. Step two: maybe the doctor isn’t the first person to contact for a behavior crisis. If an emerging adult makes poor choices or fails to function, parents can start by consulting a life coach or a counselor. If the emerging adult’s behaviors exceed the expertise of these first line professionals, only then would a parent seek the opinion of a medical or psychiatric professional.

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.

Stop With The Unwanted Advice!

60-year-old Steve, aka Dad: “You need go to pharmacy school!”
Katie, adult daughter: “I’m sorry, what was that? Pharmacy school? I’m not interested in pharmacy school.”
Dad: “You don’t want to be a teacher. There’s not enough security in that. You need to get into healthcare. That’s a better deal.”
Katie: “Dad, what are you talking about? I don’t want to change my major! I’m three semesters away from graduation! Why do you always try to run my life? You’re unbelievable!”

After role-playing the interaction, he stared at me. “Am I unbelievable? I just want what’s best for my daughter. She left in the middle of dinner. Why was she so angry?”
 
If it’s confusing to you why this daughter was angry, then this article is for you. Settle in and read on…

Sometimes parent’s advice is helpful to emerging adults, most often when that advice is wanted. But when parents barge in to the lives of still-figuring-it-all-out young adults and push unwanted advice on them, doing so is not helpful at all.

Starting out on their own, young people have big decisions to make. Decisions about education, career, relationships. One of the primary tasks of the teen and young adult years is to “find” oneself. In order to discover the self, young people need to be making their own decisions. When parents invade and offer advice on those decisions, not only can it create conflict, it can also stunt growth in young adult children.

Steve has had a difficult time understanding why the advice is damaging the relationship with Katie. Katie had a rough time through adolescence. Her mother died when she was twelve, and Steve raised her alone. He thought he was a pretty good father. He was lovingly involved, protective, and in his opinion, he had always given his daughter pretty great advice. In middle school and high school, she seemed to appreciate his input. But as Katie has progressed through college, she increasingly becomes offended by her dad’s unwanted advice. 

Steve fails to see how Katie’s stage of life dictates a different relationship with her father now. Like so many young adults, Katie has taken the wheel and become the captain of her own ship. She doesn’t need her dad to tell her which decision to make anymore. In fact, when Dad jumps in with an unwanted piece of advice, Katie says she begins to doubt herself. What she craves more than anything is to have her dad say he trusts her judgment and he knows she will find her way through tough decisions with her growing courage and wisdom.

Unwanted advice can shut down the growth of a young person. Not only can the advice prove counterproductive, it can ignite conflict between the parent who gives the advice and the adult child whom he only wished to help.

If you are a parent whose kid is furious or withdrawing due to your unwanted advice, it’s time to learn to keep your silence. 
Don’t be so smart anymore. 
Stop knowing the answers. 
Let your child be the smart one who comes up with solutions. 
Assume your child has the answers she needs and decide you’ll be quiet so she can listen and find those answers on her own.
The last act of parenting is trusting your child to fly on her own. Trust and let go!

Dr. Deuter is a psychiatrist who specializes in the care of emerging adults.